Diet for Stress

[If only I knew from whence this prescription came, I would gladly give credit where it is due. All I can tell you is that it has been in our files for a very long time. And I have, of course, taken the liberty of adding a personal touch here and there...]

"This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day (week, month, year...)."

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice dry whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke or beer
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening Snack:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
One bottle Paisano red wine (if you are having trouble sleeping)
 

Additional Rules for this Diet:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has NO calories.
2. When you eat with someone else, calories do NOT count unless you eat more than they do.
3. There are NO calories in food/drink used for medicinal purposes:
chocolate in any form, rum and coke, peanut butter, cheesecake, ice cream.
4. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
5. Things licked off knives and spoons have NO calories if you
are in the process of preparing something.
6. Anything consumed while standing has NO calories. This is due
to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
7. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has NO calories
since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and
will cling to his/her plate.
8. If you drink plenty of Coca-Cola with your food, it will neutralize 50%
of the calories you consume. Therefore, you can eat twice as much!
Every Southerner knows this.
9. If you add bourbon or rum to your coke, this will increase its calorie-neutralizing power to 75%! Every Southerner knows this.
10. Gravy (in any form) has NO calories as long as you eat it on top of something such as biscuits or mashed potatoes. Eat as much as you want. Every Southerner knows this.
 

REMEMBER: What is STRESSED spelled backward? DESSERTS!

Still having trouble? No problem...
 

Lobotomy

In a relatively large glass mix equal parts of Amaretto, Chambord, and pineapple juice. Shake this concoction with ice and strain it into a cobalt blue glass decorated with sun, moon and stars (or favorite glass or your choice). Top it off with ice-cold Champagne. Drink. Take two aspirin. Drink again.
Do NOT call me. Put some Mozart on the stereo. Get some aromatherapy going. Turn off the phone. Go to bed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Featured Archive Recipes:
Comfort Food
Comfort Food Revisited
New Orleans Jolt Cake

And on a more serious note:
What can I offer you?

"It seems to me that our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it… and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied… and it is all one."
 - M.F.K. Fisher, from The Art of Eating

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